- My right hand knuckles are busted so now I’m typing like a test monkey. Hand swollen like a latex glove filled with water. Three out of five fingers won’t come apart and I’m pretty sure autocorrect just quit on me. I forget 90% of my thoughts before I can capture them because every letter to the right of TGV lags onto my document slower than dial up. But it’s okay, this is just what I needed. Content.
- I won’t tell you guys why my hand is busted because then you’re more likely to assume I knocked some guy in the nose rather than flat knuckled the face of a steel door. Either way it all started because one man couldn’t circumvent the pride his father had hotwired into his macho-masculine brain cells and the other man hadn’t emptied the bullshit canister in his brain for a while and it caught fire. You get into position and you take action because the blood under your skin begs you to. Thirty minutes later consequence slips its dick into your brain and ejaculates a giant load of regret. Why isn’t God an editor who can backspace my bad decisions? That’s okay, good decisions don’t make you a better writer.
- I’m right handed so I’m supposed to tell you that I’ll never take it for granted again but honestly this is a great excuse for me to become ambidextrous. The hardest thing I’ve had to do in life so far is wipe my ass with my left hand and that’s not a quote I want to be remembered by. Becoming ambidextrous is non-negotiable.
- I cannot stop almost getting in accidents because yanking back on the acceleration is not an option with a balloon for a hand. People already don’t like motorcyclists and one taking 90 seconds to get to 45mph is just another reason to sideswipe one off the road. I’m genuinely surprised I haven’t transcended into roadside coyote food yet. Hopefully I can dodge cars long enough to become ambidextrous.
- Tell me something you’ve fucked up once and been forced to regret for the following days. I need to laugh at other people to feel better.
Ironically this week’s prompt was break.
Conceited Crusade 
Managed to rip most of the skin off my bottom lip breaking a piece of sellotape with my teeth. It was at a friend’s house party where I was attempting to fix a hole in a long “peace” pipe. At least I didn’t notice the pain in my hazy state. Took a couple of days to get the taste of copper out of my mouth.
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Haha! Sometimes sacrifices have to be made for a peace pipe.
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I burned my arm making frozen pizza once. The skin bubbled up and I had to wait a few days for it to go down. The whole time I had to make sure I didn’t accidentally touch my arm and pop it.
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Damn you, Digiorno’s.
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Reblogged this on G. Z. Kieft and commented:
Probably my favorite post so far just because of the responses.
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After telling the 2 – year-old a dozen times to be careful around the hot steam humidifier, I was the one who went to clean it by picking it up from the base. Boiling water gushed over my right hand. The pain was so intense I had to sleep (or rather, get through the night whimpering) with my hand deep in a bowl of ice water. In the morning I had frostbite on top of blisters. The searing pain across the palm and side was coupled with a numb absence of feeling in my fingertips, which returned later as tingling then stabbing.
Did I mention this was my right hand? And that I still had a 2-year-old to take care of? With both of us for practice, I mastered the left handed tush-wipe.
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Hahaha! As a parent I’m sure that’s not the first time you were more concerned for your child than yourself. Good thing they’re young enough not to give you shit about it for the next few years? Thank you for the story, this was hilarious!
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i jumped on stage at a bar once to play the tambourine with the band. apparently, I played a little too enthusiastically because i woke up the next day with a swollen, purple,bruised palm and a giant fucking hangover. ugh.
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Hahahaha I love that the tambourine can seriously fuck you up.
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Twice I have slipped in a bar while carrying a bottle and sliced my hand open, requiring stitches. Twice.
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Hahaha I remember your post about it. At this point you might as well perfect it and start using it for sympathy fucks. When you slip just slide right to third base with a girl.
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I got a sympathy hospital escort out of it, which is something at least.
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When I was twenty years old I moved out of my at the time husband’s place into my own place. I went to pick up my laptop and he tried to keep it hostage from me and at this point I was done with the damn shenanigans from him. So after he shut the door in my face and locked it. I backed up as far as I could and ran full speed in heels at the door like a bull…btw I do happen to be a Taurus lol. All I remember is wood chips from the door flying and the door falling diagonal with the door chain chingling. His mouth wide open and eyes real big with this stun look and I grab my laptop off the floor and walked back to my car and drove off. I was so pumped and thought man I am a badass….the shit….untouchable….adrenaline junky…all that! Well the next day every bone in my body felt broke I have a slim figure and lean frame. I mean I was so damn sore like never before and I felt like I could not move the pain was so intense. I was like okay you went from badass to dumbass within 24hours did you really think there would be no pain. I hope you feel better soon. 🙂
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Damn, I should’ve called this from badass to dumbass in 24 hours. Brilliant. Thanks for sharing!
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Lol I like your title
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