Funk as Drunk


College Freshman Underdaddy: “Oh man I can’t wait to get drunk tonight! I got this bottle of Everclear and this bottle of Crabberry juice. I’m going to mix them both.”
Wise College Sophomore: Dude… You better go easy on that bottle.
College Freshman Underdaddy: Pssshh. Easy like your mom. *Glug, glug, glug*

Fact: The average college freshman who typically drinks Jack Daniels is not aware that Jack Daniels Whiskey and Pure Grain Alcohol have different volumetric strengths. One being about two and a half times more potent. Just a hint, it’s the Pure Grain Alcohol.

This was the first time I experienced time travel. I remember attempting to enter a Hogwarts portal (a.k.a. block wall) and then I remember waking up in my dorm room bed and immediately wishing I would have died.

Scientific observers close to the events recounted them as follows:

9:30 pm – Subject drinks one-half of bottle of Everclear in an unreasonable timeframe.
9:50 pm – Subject is clinically drunk-as-shit.
9:51 pm – Gravity temporarily shifts and subject is accelerated face first into nearby block wall. Upon regaining consciousness, subject is convinced that man on complete opposite side of room pushed him into the block wall. Man was obviously a warlock.
9:53 pm – Subject throws several corded appliances out of dorm room window to highlight his general displeasure through aggressive rage. Several party patrons subdue the irate subject and lock him in the shared bathroom.
9:55 pm – Subject decides to “show those motherfuckers” and proceeds to remove fixtures from wall, combine with copious toilet paper, and repeatedly flush toilet to induce flooding.
10:05 pm – Resident Assistant responds to noise complaint and potential polo match in Suite 302. RA finds unintelligible man sitting on flooded toilet. Party patrons agree that subject is no longer welcome at party and despite possible concussion and alcohol poisoning, they decide to set subject outside of rear exit door. Duties were determined via best two out of three in a rigorous round of paper-rock-scissors.
10:15 pm – Irresponsible fucktards dump confused invalid on rear stoop of residence hall. Door clicks shut.
10:45 pm – Subject has managed to stumble to his residence hall entryway and temporarily falls asleep in the bushes outside.
10:55 pm – Fellow drunkard finds subject and gives sage advice, “Dude don’t piss you pants.” Advice is ignored. Subject punches drunkard and promptly pisses his pants.
11:30 pm – Good Samaritans drag lifeless subject onto elevator and press every button in hopes that someone knows this dipshit and will drag him to his room.
11:32 pm – Someone on fifth floor recognizes this dipshit and drags him to his room.
11:47 pm – Dipshit gains enough motor function to open tilt-out window and scream “Fuck pockets” before flinging his pants out into the courtyard below. Dipshit proceeds to pass the fuck out.
7:03 am – Half-dead zombie child wakes to smell of urine, the taste of copper, and a cool breeze from lack of pants.
7:05 am – Subject army crawls to community restroom and vomits blood for a solid thirty minutes.
7:45 am – Subject manages to crawl back to bed and is visited by Jesus in the form of heavyset black man in colorful boxers, also identified as subject’s roommate. Possibly homosexual, Jesus facsimile supplies bottled water as subject regains ability to blink.
10:03 am – With vitality restored, subject ventures out in public and meets three ex-friends he doesn’t remember losing and at least four new friends that he doesn’t remember gaining. Subject swears off drinking for rest of life and is successful for at least 36 hours.

I would have regretted this unfortunate event more if I hadn’t gotten the pleasure of seeing a Toast Master sandwich maker and a computer keyboard hanging from a Maple tree outside of Reese Hall for the next four months. Shouldn’t have telepathically pushed me into that wall motherfucker. Sometimes the little things make life worth living.



13 thoughts on “Funk as Drunk

      1. I met a girl that I dated for a while after we held a sexy-dance contest on a fiberglass life sized cow. I won a pitcher of beer that I had to drink through a straw before performing said dance. The cougars were out in force so I won. Next contestant….


      2. In Beijing I pretended be a Los Angeles Laker and received bottle service at a nightclub. Thank Christ this was pre-smartphone or the jig would have been up real fast.


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