What it feels like

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My libido is currently dead

I don’t even want a kiss on the lips

I want to be held, nothing more

This is the least of my worries

Actually, I don’t have any worries because I’m emotionally numb right now

I barely have energy to take care of my basic needs

And feeling is not necessary to my current survival

Waking up is energy

Dressing is energy

Eating is energy

I didn’t even shower this morning because it took too much energy to think about showering

Thinking is energy too

I don’t really feel like talking much

I’m concise with my words

I don’t want to ramble on more than is necessary

Because talking takes energy

I don’t feel like being around anyone

Except maybe Valentine

He’s cute and doesn’t talk

I don’t mind being numb, even if I hate it

At least it’s not the pain

The pain is the worst

It comes before the numb

It’s this internal, emotional throb that feels like it’s never going to cease

It takes me to dark places and my only relief is to cry until I fall asleep from exhaustion

Last night was painful

I wrote this in the middle of feeling it:

I am a goddess 

A strong tower

Until I am crippled by this affliction

Then I become a child

A wounded, broken bird

I am so small, curled here on the floor

Wishing the pain would go away

Hoping I pass out from crying so at least I’d have relief

Considering drugging myself

Or worse

All to be rid of this ache

Anything to get away from the hurt

Memories make it intolerable

So much pain

Too much

Help, I’m alive

Please make it go away

I did not drug myself

It was too much effort to get up

And there still exists a little part of me that keeps me safe, even in the madness

That’s why I prefer the numb over the pain

I’m not even writing this because it’s cathartic

I’m writing this because it’s been three weeks since I’ve posted on the Crusade and I’m supposed to be in charge of it and I’ve not been such a good leader lately

But maybe it’s good for other people to know what it feels like to be clinically depressed

What it’s like to have no control over your mind and emotions

Where all you can do is ride it out and keep yourself functioning as best as you can

This came out of nowhere for me

I could feel it coming and I tried my best to prevent it, but it still happened

And now all I can do is try my best to take care of myself and pray it’s a short episode

There’s no magic switch

The numb will gradually fade away and breathing will become less exhausting

And then I’ll be talking and laughing and showering and wanting sex again

I hope that it’s soon







5 thoughts on “What it feels like

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