Some of life’s mysteries may never be answered but must be questioned! My question today is a simple one. What the fuck is the dick flap doing on men’s underwear?
In a rational world the inventor of this device would have questioned its existence long before it was widely adopted. Fucking think-for-yourselfer who was just looking to make a quick buck by adding a useless feature and touting the change as “NEW AND IMPROVED!” Like the iPhone 6 of banana hammocks. You may be thinking, “Hey man. That flap is super useful for a movie theater quickie or some foreplay in the checkout line at Costco.” To which I would say, “Right”. But let us consider the actual scenarios for use of a secret door dick flap without the distraction of daydreams.
First, a man with a short wingman would clearly not be inconvenienced by the extra inch or two required to drop front bumper entirely. Not to mention he probably wouldn’t generate the distance necessary to clear the cotton garments bunched up below him.
Second case: A normal man hangs down just enough to pop through the flap occasionally. Randomly. Compounding factor = some fashionable jeans have heavy duty zippers. If you ever had the displeasure of a day long romp through this perfect storm of chubby chaffing fuckery then you have my sympathies. I literally wore my boxers backwards one day to combat this exact problem. Obviously, the trade for protection of soft and sensitive skin would be well worth not messing with a flap. I won’t even mention the wayward hair that ventures outside the cone of safety and gets removed by a zealous zipper. Ouch.
Third scenario. Man with the long john might find benefit of the flap at first but when the lizard is drained how do you tuck that thing back through something that is essentially a Chinese finger trap? You don’t. You pull everything down and reset positions. Zero convenience.
So there you have it. My essay on why the world would be better off without dick doors in men’s underpants.
Setup + Three Main Points + Summary = A Fucking Plus, #ImSoGoodAtWords