How to Write a Good Story About God Not Helping the Syrian Refugees

Continuing on the assumption I made in my post a few days ago on Anyone’s Ghost that everyone who reads blogs is a writer, I’m going to try something new. I have this idea for a funny story with some…what’s that damn word? not relevancy but something to do with modern context…ah fuck it, you’re writers, you know what I’m saying.

Anyway, new idea for a funny story. But since Fred said that fiction posts generate negative views, I ain’t going to even try to write that shit for you. I’m going to do you and myself one better and just give you the idea. Then you can do all the real work and make it into a best seller or whatever damn thing.

First thing you’re going to need to do is research whatever is happening with those refugees in Greece or where ever they’ve gotten to now. First thing, where the hell are they even from? Syria, right? Other places with brutal dictators? I don’t fucking know, you figure it out.

Ok, now I’m going to assume you have a good grasp of the Bible since you write in English. Probably not as good as me, just going by the numbers, but good enough.

The idea is that the Christian God shows up in Greece or wherever to help those desperate people out and they are all excited and shit and then he gets some stupid ass prayer request from the First World. And it turns out nothing gets done around here because God isn’t actually omnipotent. It also turns out that God’s schedule is prioritize into First World first. Be careful because the idea could easily turn into a boring treatment of the popular cliche “First World problems.” Also research: is First World actually capitalized?

Right, so God’s assistant is like alright bro we actually have to get back to Norway and help out this chick she is in the bathroom and she can’t take a shit and it’s been like three days. She’s mad gassy and she is begging for help.

God’s like oh hell no.

The assistant just shrugs and lights a cigarette. “Do what you want, bro, I’m just your assistant.”

Some shit like that.

Some good little subplots are:

  • recreate the miracle of the fishes and loaves, the one where people just kept eating fish and bread and passing that shit around…were these people going Gollum on that fish or did they take time to cook it? No one knows, doesn’t matter…make the fish and bread into something more modern and funny, say cans of beans or some generic but also somehow funny poverty staple food.
  • make God give some kind of hilarious excuse why he has to go back and help the First World person…like “Guys I wanted to help but you know how it is, trade agreements and um…tariffs, tax law, I don’t really understand it, no one has time to read the whole thing but you know…” or maybe “I got to go but you know if you guys started addressing me as Dear Lord instead of calling me Allah all the time, I mean it’s fine but sometimes it’s the little things that really help when you’re trying to get things done…if you get time, read this book, Never Eat Lunch Alone. It’s about networking…okay I gotta go.”
  • make God think he’s being all charming and connecting with the refugees but really he’s not and they’re planning to do something about it…could be drastic or banal
  • when God starts to talk to them as a whole, like after they ate all the beans or what, make him unnecessarily scary as hell so that people are actually glad when he leaves

Yeah that shit will be fucking hilarious.

If you didn’t like this post, let me know what you would rather me do, because this shit’s keeping me up nights.


18 thoughts on “How to Write a Good Story About God Not Helping the Syrian Refugees

  1. Maybe he passed out some recalled beans because some corporate bigwig needed to offload them through prayer. Then everyone got salmonella and they were praying for the shits to stop so he smites everyone. Too dark? I think it would carry the point.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Cool! I made a certain seven year old listen to your ‘breasts’ crumbcast and he was howling. I wondered for a second if it was appropriate but this kid has been obsessing about breasts for a while that I thought I’d introduce him to a real breast man. Haha we had a hoot!

        Liked by 1 person

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