8 Reasons Not To Write A Book


(Alternate Title: Finally Sucking Buzzfeed’s Dick So I Can Get Some Clicks Up In Here)

1.) The theoretical book in your head is better than the letdown the actual book will be.

carlton

And the book in your head will be read by more people.

2.) Seriously, not even Mom will read it.

eye roll.gif

My mom said I was a better writer than you, so I dedicated a story to her, and she did not read it. I should have dedicated a tweet to her instead.

3.) There are five million new books published every day.

Infinity book

This is absolutely true. The day your amazing and special book comes out, it will launch in tandem with five million other amazing and special books. Now there are more books out than there are stars in the universe.

4.) You won’t have to pay some vulture $300 for a book cover.

money 2

“This is a supremely sound investment.”

–What I thought after I paid a designer* for my book cover.

5.) You won’t have to be online for 40 hours a week marketing the fucking thing.

comp smash

(which you will have to do even if you have a publishing contract).

6.) You won’t waste your time.

domino fail

You can spend a thousand hours polishing your novel, or you can spend a thousand hours playing horseshoes or lining up dominoes or some shit. Literally any other activity besides writing is a better investment of your time, and will make more people like you.

7.) No but seriously, it’s a waste of time.

Money 1

Sweatshop workers in Bangladesh make more than writers. It’s 2016, other people’s thoughts and output have been considered free for a while now.

8.) Mindless leisure is underrated.

Having spent a few years doing nothing but watching TV and also a few years doing nothing but writing, I can tell you that being a content sponge was a much more satisfying use of my existence. Embrace the couch. It’s OK.

dog tv

*Designers have the right idea. It’s infinitely easier to have to your work appreciated and have the fact that it exists acknowledged if you’re a designer. And designers definitely get more ass. Well, they get zero ass, but that’s still more ass than what writers get.

***

fredcolton.com

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GIFS from Giphy.com

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9 thoughts on “8 Reasons Not To Write A Book

  1. After a few decades Hollywood will come scrambling for ideas in the ebook realm. Your book is out there. Slowly gaining strength for its ultimate release, clenched in the midst of 5 million attempts at mediocrity like a part of Voldemort’s soul.

    Liked by 1 person

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