Modern Romance


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I can’t fuck my girlfriend tonight. Even with birth control she’d get pregnant. Even if I pulled out. I know this because on Valentine’s Day 1987 my mom got pregnant with me. I was an accident. Shot through the condom and all the way to the egg.

It’s tempting to think that beating such odds at conception makes me the new Jesus or something. That I’m here to break a mold. But that’s white-person thinking. I know better. I’m just a singular consequence of the 2% condom failure rate. There are millions of us taking up space here on Earth. Eating cookies and ODing on dopamine. I’m only here because I dribbled too far down my dad’s dick.

Now that I exist, I have to worry about finding and keeping love. Not enough to worry about eating and surviving, you gotta worry about winning this contest and become someone’s #1 and staying there. That’s too stressful. Why is that the human condition, why set it up like that. God is a bitch.

Now I have to think: am I doing enough for my girlfriend. Am I doing the perfect amount of shit for my girlfriend, and will she think I’m a pussy because of it. Am I cool knowing she has me programmed like The Manchurian Candidate. Am I cool knowing that there will be scorched earth brawls, that saying the wrong word could make the room explode.

I am cool with it. Because at least I’m not single. It’s rough out there. I’d have to chase and fall for another woman. Compete with all the other glowing dicks on her smartphone. Worry about what she’s up to until I get to lock her down and put her under house arrest. Because when women are single they do horrifying things. They act like men. They just hide it better.

Now that I exist I have to worry about finding and keeping love. I get misery if I don’t find it. Which is weird. We’re meaningless and our insignificance in the universe cannot be overstated. But tell that to our emotions. They don’t know they’re attached to specks of stardust. They think they’re important and are severely outsized for what they are. But right now, with life on the upswing, that’s a good thing.

***

Fredcolton.com

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