Jamie Bond: What if 007 had a vagina?


Female Spy
On a job well done

Think of all the gadgets. Lipstick lasers. Acidic lotion. Bomb-signaling mascara wands. Every heel hiding a silver tipped, single-edged tanto. With a purse you’ve just x10’d you’re capability of equipable explosives – as long as 007 remembers to transfer everything over (undoubtedly one or two recording chapsticks will always go missing in the swap) before a new mission.

But gadgets are just the beginning. As a woman, Bond has double the seduction capabilities since in movies women are always curious about fucking other women. Female Bond bones just as many women as male Bond with the bonus of also boning men. Infiltration has never been this easy.

Female Bond would have the combat capabilities of Ronda Rousey (pre getting her face kicked in). She would know every romantic language and probably wear a fitbit so she could keep track of her calorie intake and sleep patterns. This would result in a more alert, far more sober Bond.

Finally, Bond would spend one week a month as an extra vicious motherfucker, completely unremorseful as she destroys her enemies and leaves a trail of raw cookie dough and wine bottles in her wake. Female Bond would cry in almost every stressful situation but it would do nothing to soften her resolve. Those tears would be the last things all her adversaries ever tasted.

***Female Bond would also not get paid as much as male Bond and also hate herself due to years of societal preconceived notions and a lack of respect given to her by her parents and every leader and teacher and subordinate in her life and every car she’d blow up or unapproved kill she committed would be blamed on her gender and at the office she would be susceptible to macho-male verbal abuse and when she’d go to her supervisor about it he’d tell her she needs to wear less classy dresses with slutty slits in them but at the same time he’d tell her to get her act together if she showed up to the office without make-up on***

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