Objective 1: Kill… Objective 2: Fuck… Objective 3: Reconsider Objectives


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Things were simple for Sean Connery. Back then there were only so many ways to get your information, so I assume there were only so many ways of thinking about the world. I guess a few people travelled and realized things were complicated out there, outside the movie theater. But probably a lot of people figured you got bad guys and you got innocents and you got Sean Connery. Nowadays everyone’s a bad guy, pretty much. James Bond can’t be sure if he’s saving lives or saving a corporation a few dollars on spools of bubble wrap. I guess they’re pretty much the same thing.

I guess they got the ugly dude to play James Bond because they’re trying to stay relevant. I don’t know why anyone would take a role after Sean Connery got done with it. Then again, I am prejudiced against ugly people. If my kid was ugly, I’d be like, hey man, watch out. People are prejudiced against ugly out there and if you’re not careful they’ll turn you into that guy from No Country For Old Men. Then again, again, that guy was a total badass, so fuck it, go with it.

But what’s ugly, really? I guess there’s subjective ugly and there’s objective ugly. Objective ugly is if you get shot in the face with a shotgun and decide to stick around anyway. Me I’d be like, well, that’s it for me ya’ll. I just got shot in the face. I’m going to sleep now, and I am never getting another haircut. You can keep my tax return next year.

Subjective ugly, on the other hand, is me saying Daniel Craig is ugly. That’s ridiculous. He’s a paragon of male sexuality. The only problem is, he took a role that calls to mind Sean Connery, and even Helen of Troy wouldn’t want to follow that act.

Anyway, I heard they’re trying to make the James Bond movies more realistic, but they shouldn’t do that, right? James Bond is a white guy who jumps into scenarios all over the world and kills people. I mean you can’t change that and still have a James Bond movie. I think we should stop letting white dudes jump into situations all over the world and kill people.

I guess the Bond movies work because people would like to be able to affect what they believe to be positive change in their world, or at least feel like they could do if they weren’t too busy watching movies. People want to have control over their environment. Well, maybe we should stop feeding that urge as if it’s healthy and natural. We should fight that urge, maybe, since we live in an uncontrollable cosmos with no black and white anything. Maybe we should get comfortable with ambiguity and chaos instead.

Of course, James Bond seems pretty comfortable in any situation. So that’s good. But Jesus Christ someone take his gun away. Stop killing people, James Bond. If James Bond can be comfortable without fucking someone or killing them, then maybe we should start idolizing him in movies again.

Then again, again again, I don’t want to see the James Bond is Comfortable Standing in Line at Tesco movie, or even the James Bond is Comfortable in Taking an Indistinguishable Part in the Non-Violent Takeover of the Tesco Corporation by the Citizens of Earth movie. It’s too late for me. My neurons are set. I am attracted to people getting killed and people getting fucked by mostly one person. At least I am far enough advanced to enjoy people getting killed and fucked by guys and girls of any color. Intersex people still kind of make me uncomfortable when they kill people and especially when they fuck people. I’ll work on it. And I’m working on the ugly thing, too, aright?

But anyway, maybe I’m just giving up too easily on myself and my arrangement of neurons. I should go forward like everything I’ve learned up to this point has been a tragic mistake of history, and accept things as they really are. Maybe I should.

What would Sean Connery do?

This Week’s Prompt: James Bond

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10 thoughts on “Objective 1: Kill… Objective 2: Fuck… Objective 3: Reconsider Objectives

  1. Gordon, this was hilarious! My favorite of yours yet. Also, I agree with your comment about ugly prejudice. It should be addressed with more importance. Unfortunately, because it’s so objective, it’s hard to hold people accountable for their prejudice in this area.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Prejudice against ugly is a big problem, at least in America. Physically attractive people are more likely to get jobs and promotions. Ugliness is associated with a corrupt moral character in many works of the English literary cannon. I think we need to start talking about physical appearance the same way we are starting to talk about race instead of ignoring it like we used to do race.

    Liked by 1 person

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