Modern Men at the Gym


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Back at the gym. Thick neck guy and uncomfortable orgasm sound guy are here again. It’s not the same two guys, always, but they might as well be. They’re like Sith. There will always be two – hanging out by the squat rack or snapping pictures of their QUADS BRO. I don’t mind usually but today I didn’t bring my earphones and now every struggling rep sounds like he reached completion in the bathroom right as his mom walked in on him. You know the sound. Pleasure turned into utter distress. I want to get up and rip the dumbbell out of his hands. Lift something lighter, I want to tell him. It sounds like it’s too heavy. But instead I look at my own bagged eyes and shallow cheeks. I’m fucking tired. My hand still hasn’t recovered. I’m hungry. But if I don’t go to the gym I have to deal with my own nagging so I go. Every night, if I can. And I lift heavy shit and I keep my fucking mouth shut.

I always hated stereotypes until I came to the gym. Here you can’t get away from them. You’d think with a room full of men you’d get a little peace and quiet but goddamn these bitches can squabble. One guy asked me to take a picture of him doing curls. Usually I pretend I don’t hear people but today I didn’t wear headphones so I got up and took a picture of him. One, you ask? No, I took two pictures of him. He wanted two different angles of himself standing there with dumbbells in his dumb fists. He thanked me and I said no problem but really I just wanted to take the weights away from him and tell him he’s in the wrong place. This is a gym. Where we work out. And it’s not okay to ask people to take a picture of you the same way men used to ask for a spotter. Leave.

I found a small room full of mirrors where they usually teach classes but I guess nobody takes classes at 11pm so it’s empty. Wooden floors and random workout equipment scattered like dead bodies on a battlefield. I kick it around, probably like a soldier walking around dead bodies on a battlefield would do. Then I decide to do some workouts I saw on Instagram with some really ripped guys. I didn’t… see it with some really ripped guys, but I saw some really ripped guys on Instagram. You know what I mean.  I can do them and feel really good about myself so I do more. There’s a lot of mirrors so I make sure my form is right and shit. And I still do them. Okay, I think. I’m pretty good at this stuff. I get up and look at myself in the mirror and then look at my phone and then I think, man, I wish there was somebody to take a picture of me right now.

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16 thoughts on “Modern Men at the Gym

  1. I had an “experience” at the gym not that long ago. This guy stood right in front of me, lifted his shirt and started toweling the sweat from his hairy chest as he stared right at me. Then he turned around and bent over. It was like a Will Ferrell skit off SNL. A few weeks later, I was working out with my husband and the guy walked past us. I pointed him out to my husband and said, “that’s the dude who Will Ferrell’d me.” Now we just refer to him as Will when we see him.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. There is this sweat/body oil smell in a gym that makes me feel gross. The guys grunting makes me think of “My New Haircut” on youtube. I love that video. I used to love working out but I suppose that is before my estrogen levels dominated my testosterone. Now I like ice cream and a good cry. I wish I had visible abs.

    Liked by 4 people

  3. this is dead on. not only are headphones important but i have to wear my wedding ring. never mind the pain of pinching when doing lat pull downs or chin ups. i’ve gotta have it to keep the animals at bay. today i saw a guy pull his shirt up while he flexed his abs in the mirror for me. ugh.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. God it’s even worse for women. I’ve literally seen girls wear tank tops that say “don’t talk to me” and guys still try to spark up a meaningful conversation about their obliques. You have my sympathies.

      Liked by 2 people

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