Yesterday, because of a large scale attitude of ‘fuck it’ on the part of all of humanity, the leaves were still on the trees here in the Northeastern United States, and the temperature was about 79 fucking degrees.
Today the leaves just gave the fuck up. They started jumping off of them trees like bankers off buildings in 1929, 1987, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, and 2015, and now you can’t walk around without some delightfully festive swishing and crunching.
Too bad it’s so warm and humid you feel like you’re walking around inside Mother Earth’s snatch.
But even so, the crunchy leaves are enough to get you thinking: “Shit. Holidays. It’s almost Thanksgiving!”
And if you’re not American, you’re thinking, “Shit. Holidays. Wish I had ass raped a bunch of natives and built an empire on the backs of their children so I could have a day to just be thankful. Just really give some hardcore THANKS.”
Guess what, non Americans? Y’all did all the work, you just forgot to standardize your celebrations. Whatever no name ass heathen bastards killed a bunch of harmonious peace loving ninnies so that you could spend ten hours out of every day thinking about how to “be more productive” just forgot to think of a catchy title for his holiday.
Well, too bad for you. Least you still got Christmas. You’re lucky God’s so type A about that kinda shit.
And you know what Holidays means. Family time. Time to get your stories straight.
Someone said to me a while back, “Why do people bend over backwards to make their parents think they’re someone they’re not? Seems like a lot of trouble to put yourself through for someone else.”
Some other people around town have said, “Well, being a liar takes a really good memory. Who’s got time for that?”
Neither of these mother fuckers apparently ever heard of a Google Doc. It takes ten minutes to avoid an entire year of everyone in your family looking down on you and Facebook messaging you about “why don’t you just apply for a job at this shitty place that kind of reminds me of your major in college”, or “why don’t you get involved with this bunch of weirdos in this strip-mall church?”.
Ten minutes? Come on.
I’m going to tell you how to:
- really enjoy the holidays this year
- avoid the emotional gymnastics that come with revealing that your life doesn’t make one god damned bit of sense right now
- set yourself up for uninterrupted, guilt-free narcissism in 2016
and all in ten minutes through the miracle of synchronized documentation!
First, go on Google and Google ‘Google Docs’.
If you don’t already have an account, well for Pete’s dick sucking sake, how do you expect the NSA to keep track of you? What are you just going to keep “checking in” with them? Jesus Christ. Start reading Life Hacker or something, because you are just a huge waste of time right now.
Anyway, get your document started. Put some thought into it. Just a little, not too much. What did your parents want for you? Write that down. Don’t say you’ve achieved it, just make it look like you are headed in that general direction. That is who you are now, or rather, who you will be until we are all sucking down gallons of flat champagne on January 2 when everyone finally stops staring at us.
Once you have fabricated an easy to swallow version of yourself, go ahead and share the Doc with people who really know you and who also kind of know your parents. This should be a small group, otherwise, you probably don’t need to do any of this since you are necessarily a self-loathing hedge fund manager with three kids in Montessori school.
Man, those three kids are really going to get to live the life we all want to live. Well, at least they will once your parents die and stop asking them stupid ass questions all the time like, “What’s your favorite color?” Bitch! I like all the colors all right?
I keep my fabricated life story on a Google Doc that my wife and my sisters and brothers can access in seconds, should they ever find themselves confronted with a stupid ass question about my habits or whereabouts. I update it with some inane bullshit maybe once every six months. Easy.
Once you’ve got your Doc all put together and shared, just take a deep breathe and get back to being a depraved asshole with no consideration for other people.
Sure, you still have to see these bastards on the day of, and maybe the days surrounding, the major holidays, but it won’t really be you, and they’ll really like you. Not like last year.
Besides, since you were (justifiably) too afraid to leave your house on Halloween, now you get a chance to wear something like a costume and not even worry about getting stabbed through the heart with a broken picket fence post.
If you’re thinking “Ah, I don’t need to do that. I’m pretty okay, and besides, my parents get me.”
Stop boring everyone with your positive self talk. You ain’t fooling nobody. You are in no position to “let the chips fall where they may.” You can “get real with the fam” when they’re all dead.
Here are three pointers to get you started:
- Law school isn’t what it used to be. No one is going to believe that you are thinking of going there. What happened is people got desperate enough maintaining this standard lie to their families that they ended up in law school and before they could realize what happened they graduated with enormous debt and now are trapped being lawyers for import/export companies. Don’t let this happen to you, mostly because those fuckers took all the lawyer jobs for the next forty years and all that’s left is Assistant General Manager of the cafeteria at your local ambulance chaser firm.
- “Traveling and figuring it out” is hot right now. Your parents are starting to feel like they should have done that instead of having you. Tell people you are “traveling and figuring it out”, even if you are working part time at a Nuts-4-Nuts cart on 109th Street and watching Netflix in your rich friend’s studio apartment for nineteen hours a day while she travels and figures it out. You can use random pictures from Instagram to tell your family about your adventures. They figured out Facebook, but maybe they don’t know about Instagram yet. Bonus: no one can ever come to visit you and see what a total loser you are/force you to clean the apartment and take down that weird gaping vagina magnet you keep on the fridge for some stupid ass reason.
- Have at least one flaw that you allude to but only “accidentally”. It is best to have the flaw be something completely made up. A good standard is somehow allude to watching a Noam Chomsky lecture on YouTube one time and not hating it. This will give your family just enough grist for the relentless gossip mill that is in constant motion just behind your back (the less you think it is, the more obvious it is to everyone else that it is), and thereby you will avoid raising what’s called in the business a “red flag” based on the fact that your fabricated identity lacks what they call in another business “verisimilitude.”
Alright? You can figure out the rest from here. You’re probably some kind of failed writer anyway. Oh, my bad, you haven’t failed yet because you’re still breathing. Well, keep at it, but in the meantime, write something down that’s actually going to do you some good.
If Mother Earth stops being a vindictive little bitch and puts a little crisp in the air, we’ll all be in for a painless Thanksgiving.