An open letter to the Jedi Council


Windu_Angry

 

Subject: An open letter to the Jedi Council

Dear Jedi Council,

Here’s why I need a lightsaber:

  1. Gummi bears. Haribo has dropped the ball, but with a lightsaber I assure you I could kick them back in gear. If you send me a purple lightsaber like Mace Motherfucin Windu I’ll finally convince them to make grape flavored gummi bears.
  2. You’ve seen kitten videos where they get stuck in gutters and then firemen have to come and spend eight hours trying to rescue them. Imagine all the tax dollars we could save if I came busting through those pipes with my (purple) lightsaber? I promise to save and/or accidentally kill every kitten in the world if you send me a lightsaber preferably purple.
  3. Have you ever thought about destroying every oil rigging facility in the world? I have, and with a blue, green, or even better, purple lightsaber I could make that happen. Our atmosphere would be flawless with every oilrig in flames and billowing smoke.
  4. Hate paying for coffee? Me too. All coffee is free after I murder every coffee chain CEO in the world with a purple-ish lightsaber and put a Jedi mind trick on their successor to give everything out for free. You don’t want to worry about the consequences and neither do I so let’s not.
  5. I’ve always wanted a lightsaber and if I got a lightsaber that’s purple I’d be the baddest motherfucker on the block.

Thank you for your consideration,

Sincerely,

-Henry


Subject: RE: RE: An open letter to the Jedi Council

Dear Jedi Council,

Thanks for the blue lightsaber.

I guess.

-Henry

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