This week’s prompt is Nicolas Cage. This is so wrong even my Word document underlined his name squiggly red. Its suggested correction was ANYTHING ELSE.
Nicolas Cage comes to my work – quite frequently, actually. True story. The first time I saw him he came out of the restroom – a tall, lanky man, towering over civilians and not even remotely fitting in. He tries though, but there’s always one thing that so uniquely points him out as fucking Nicolas Cage. 90% of the time I’m almost certain he’s not one man, but rather three children stacked up on top of each other with a receding hairline wig. The first time I saw him he wore a suit – normal: we get a lot of businessmen in our store. What wasn’t normal was the five meter long jade necklace he’d strung around his neck, so bulky and cumbersome mere mortals would break their necks trying to wear it. When he stood in line to check out, he popped his collar, lowered his sunglasses, and read a magazine – which inevitably had an article about Nicolas Cage doing some Nicolas Cage shit – and pretended that nobody could see him. Like a fat kid hiding behind a skinny tree. He peaks far above any fixture in my store and everybody noticed him. The problem here is that Nicolas Cage is half poltergeist, I believe, which is why no matter how hard he tries, there’s always something Nicolas Cagey about him.
I imagine that if he ever invited me to eat at his castle house he would serve me baked ziti, breadsticks, a nice wine, and sunflowers as an appetizer. Almost there, Nic, almost. He’s so close to being normal but as a poltergeist there is always something wrong in the details. Which brings me to my next point:
Nicolas Cage was born Nicolas Kim Coppola, son to a literary professor and nephew to the great Francis Coppola. Had Nic stayed a Coppola he might never have had the opportunity to be so publically accepted(ly?) Cagey. But what, if not becoming an eccentric actor, would Nic have become? Well, loyal readers, let’s take a trip down “what if” lane with aid of some trusty bullet points. At the end, ad your own so we can share this creative experience together like a brain orgy and remember it for eternity.
- I imagine Nicolas Kim Coppola would’ve become the first wine manufacturer to harvest pinecones instead of grapes.
- Maybe, Nicolas Kim Coppola would sell cars at a dealership – without being employed by the dealership.
- Nicolas Kim Coppola might be homeless by choice, and when people offer him money, he would ask them to convert it to Euros first.
- Nicolas Kim Coppola might’ve become a politician opposed to people’s right to carry a firearm, reasoning that a broadsword would be far superior in situations that require self-defense.
- In fact, Nicolas Kim Coppola would carry a broadsword everywhere he went.
- If Nicolas Kim Coppola went into the music industry, he would write rap. But not in English – in Latin.
- Nicolas Kim Coppola would be a fitness fanatic, but only workout his biceps and neck.
- For post workout nutrition, Nic would drink one raw ostrich egg every day.
- If in prison, Nicolas Kim Coppola would discover an escape route, but he wouldn’t take it because he’d already invested so much energy in writing days on the wall of his cell.
- Nicolas Kim Coppola might’ve become an Etsy millionaire with a unique line of footwear he’d create for roosters and chickens, by hand. Later he would create his own website, cocksinsocks.com, which would be the highest mistakenly visited website, ever.
Needless to say, Nicolas Kim Coppola would find some way to become the memorable figure we see today in Nicolas Cage. What – and who – do you think Nicolas Kim Coppola would become?
Fuck this piece.