Nicolas Fucking Cage – A Love Story


NicFnCage

I remember my teenage years, it was The Best of Times for me. But not for everyone. I had this buddy named Nick and he wanted to leave our rural life in the south. Nick needed more out of life. He was looking for a Valley Girl and had become a victim of some Fast Times At Ridgemont High. Too fast because his girlfriend got pregnant and he was Gone in Sixty Seconds.

I often think of the day he left and I guess it turned out better than living around here and joining The Cotton Club. Spending your nights Racing with the Moon and driving redneck boats that Rumble Fish on the bottom of the lake. I’ll always remember him as The Boy in Blue at prom and I often wonder what would have happened if Nick and Peggy Sue Got Married. He would be Moonstuck while working the late shift at the Seven Eleven while Peggy was at home Raising Arizona. What an odd thing to name a baby, Arizona. I can’t blame him for leaving but I wish he would have waited, “Never on Tuesday” I told him as he was packing his bag. Friday’s give people the weekend to think about it without ruining the work week.

Our argument spun out of control. I should have known he was in the fatal throes of love.

He pleaded his case for eloping like a drunken poet.

“I can’t help myself. I feel like I am in a Deadfall! I have tasted a sweet Vampire’s Kiss and I am Wild At Heart. We are meant to be together.”

I rolled my eyes. “A vampire? Ha! It was Zandalee who bit you wasn’t it? That girl is hot but she is some kind of boring. I imagine her sitting around a modern apartment listening to some bullshit music named Industrial Symphony No. 1: The Dream or something crazy like that.”

“You don’t get it man! I am a phoenix and Zandalee is too! We are a couple of Fire Birds who can’t sit still in this Red Rock West-ern town.”

“Arkansas is not west! Does it even matter that she slept with Amos and Andrew?”

“That was weeks ago and I don’t live in the past. I’m not sitting around here babysitting my sister from all the guys with Snake Eyes and 8mm handguns shoved into their wastebands. Just looking for the Kiss of Death to send them to the City of Angels while I sit at home and rot. I can marry Zandalee and Honeymoon in Vegas. It will be perfect.”

“Then what?!?” Did he even hear himself talking?

“Maybe I will be Trapped In Paradise while you sit around here Bringing Out the Dead. A bunch of dead people in a dead fucking town.”

“What about Peggy Sue or your son, little Nicky?”

“WHAT ABOUT HER? She will be sitting around drying her hair in curlers with her fucking ConAir hair dryer turned on high, blowing the ashes off her cigarette and drinking her goddamn Face/Off for all I care. When will everyone get that I’m not a Family Man!?! I’m a wild mustang!”

I couldn’t take the self-centered man child in front of me. He was packing stained A-neck tees into a plastic Walmart bag. What did he know about life?  “Holy shit! That is the saddest story I ever heard Sonny boy. Let me play you a sad song on Captain Corelli’s Mandolin.”

“What would you rather me do?! Sit around with you Windtalkers and Matchstick Men watching Christmas Carol: The Movie on repeat. Life is all about Adaption. I cant live by making it work in the real world while inside I feel like The Wicker Man on top of the World Trade Center, just waiting for the flames to rise and the floor to fall out under me. I’m a Ghost Rider baby and I’m outta this shit hole. I’m a National Treasure!”

I was totally incensed by his whole attitude. The baby was only seven hours old and his life-sucking vampire princess was the labor and delivery nurse. I let my opinions fly.

“You just sail to the moon Astro-Boy! You think you are the Next big thing just Knowing that you Kick-Ass but I’ve read your Book of Secrets and it is a Grindhouse. You’re like a Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans. Just power hungry in a dirty city.” I stopped for a long slow breath because I wasn’t making sense.

The last bit caught his attention and he laughed a little at the absurdity. “Did you just call me a sailor? If I were a sailor I would be on the USS Indianapolis: Men of Courage all around me. Peggy may kill me but everyone will Pay the Ghost of my love if I stay and die of heartbreak. Don’t be a dick Joe.”

“Sorry. I hate fighting and I don’t want you to Drive Angry, road rage is what makes Bankok Dangerous. I saw that on Discovery Channel.” I looked at the ground and told him why I was really upset. “I feel like I am losing my best friend.”

“No Doubt … I know you feel like an Outcast and I am your only friend but you, my friend, are The Sorcerer’s Apprentice. I’ve taught you all of my tricks and you are an Army of One now. Go find your own love roller coaster and the next thing you know you can be Leaving Las Vegas. I can’t fight my love for Zandalee. When I think of Peggy I feel like she is Frozen Ground beneath my feet and something that needs to be Left Behind. That alien-looking baby too. I don’t think it is mine. It looks like John Travolta.”

“He does kinda. You know that leaving Peggy will put her in a Rage and it will be the Season of the Witch.”

“I know. That bitch has The Spirit of Vengance. Not to be Crood but I have watched the Dying of the Light in her eyes over these past five hours and it has made her an unsufferable cunt.”

“But doesn’t it shake The Trust with Zandalee to know she is entering a Dog Eat Dog world with The Runner of Jackson County?”

“You talk like I am Edward Snowden and I am selling secrets or National Treasure Three blocks from the police station. All I am saying is Bonjour Anne!”

“I thought her name was Zandalee?”

“You know what I mean! It’s figurative. I’m telling Peggy goodbye and you can see me as The Ant Bully if you want to. I have a Birdy for both of you.”

“I don’t see you as a bully. Leaving a woman with your child is more than starting a fight. You are awakening The Lord of War. You know who her father is don’t you?”

“Fuck him. He had me prosecuted for Trespass when I was fifteen and now I am the one who is Seeking Justice.”

“Whatever…”

And then he left in a Low-Rider with no mufflers. Off to find his Eleanor and lose his demons. Nicolas might have been twenty five percent German but he was not a man to be Caged.

-Underdaddy. Every major film referenced. Booyah.

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