Killer Mug Sweaters: a breakdown of your addiction


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I don’t know anybody who struggles with addiction.
I mean, I probably do, but I’ve never asked.
I believed for a long time that addiction was something people made up in their minds to excuse their destructive behavior. My response to anybody who said, “I wish I could quit” was, “So quit.”

I live in a city built on addiction. Every stream of revenue here is somehow related to somebody’s inability to quit: gambling, drinking, sex, smoking, shopping, eating, smartphone apps (I’m talking to you, Clash of Clans), working out, working, studying (probably a smaller ratio here than the rest of the addictions), and more. Addictions are profitable because they are unmoving. They keep people from changing and ensure long-term clientele… holy fuck this piece is boring the shit out of me. Let’s just talk about the pros of some addictions. Scroll down to find yours!

drunk-man-with-fistDRINKING
Easily acquired once you turn 21, alcohol’s major pro is that it’s socially accepted. Many people even take pride in their alcohol consumption. These are the same people who will be explaining the rules to beer pong forty years from now when their kids are playing it in the basement and will refer to their “glory days” as something the kids should’ve seen. There are no glory days with alcohol, but there sure are holes. Enjoy this addiction in your youth and take full advantage of the memorable moments you won’t remember. The future of alcohol is prosperous – unlike the future of alcoholics. Beware, this addiction grows sadder the longer you commit to it.

the_master_of_gambler_by_ejanbft-d4la4hb
I just imagine this guy taking a drag from his cigarette before saying, “Go fish.”

GAMBLING
Gambling is the dumbest thing anybody’s ever gotten addicted to: you are going to lose all your fucking money. Although… if you do win, you’re going to be so rich you could use your money as a business card. How cool would that be? “Here’s the number to my business, I wrote it on a hundred dollar bill”. That leaves an impression. “That guy must sell some killer mug sweaters”, they’ll say.

Overnight repair for even the most avid masturbator.
Overnight repair for even the most avid masturbator.

SEX

A sex addiction is great if you’re dating a person who also has a sex addiction. If not, you’d better hope you are either
a) good looking, or
b) rich as fuck (see GAMBLING).
If not you will spend a lot of time with a bottle of Jergens and videos of other people’s ex-girlfriends and fatherless daughters. Still not an awful addiction since they’re coming out with new studies of the positive effects of masturbation every single day.

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SMOKING – CIGARETTES
Smoking a cigarette makes you look like a badass as long as you have the time to do it. Don’t light a cigarette if you just got to a bus stop and the bus could arrive at any second. Looking desperate as you try to suck as much tobacco out of that little stick before you have to abandon it on the sidewalk does not make you look like a badass. That cigarette fucking owns you. Own the cigarette (or at least pretend you do) and you’ll get laid just fine.

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SMOKING – WEED

Weed has done a lot of good for a lot of people, especially artists. Unfortunately, just because people saw significance in “Coo coo ca chu, I’m a walrus”* doesn’t mean your stream of brain regurgitation is necessary. You might think you become a philosopher when you get baked, but unless you are a philosopher, you are still not a philosopher. You are just a man asking questions but too lazy to google them. Plato never needed to light it up before writing anything thought provoking, despite the fact that he had a beard so hipster you could probably comb a ukulele out of it.

shopping-aSHOPPING
Shopping is great because you walk away with stuff, and stuff makes you look good. Looking good gets you compliments, and compliments make you feel like a winner. But, without more new stuff, the compliments start to fade, and then you start to feel like not so much of a winner. Then you might start to hate yourself, and then you might start depending on one of the above-mentioned addictions. So why succumb to the other addictions when you could just go shopping again? Good idea. Oh, you’re not rich? Just open up a credit card. Oh, your credit sucks? Well just pay high interest. Oh, you’re broke now? Well, there’s always drinking.

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EATING
It used to not be okay to eat anything you could possibly think of, but with the invention of GMO’s and the acceptance of the dadbod, you are now free to eat a burger with a hotdog and an ice cream cone on it and a side of chips flavored like a grilled cheese sandwich with srirarchrar sauce. Fuck sriririrawrcha sauce, and fuck the way you spell shrirawarcha. The only positive thing I have to say about eating addictions is that it’s now more affordable than ever, as long as you don’t consider the long-term medical bills tied to it.

WORKING OUT
There is nothing more satisfying than being the most roided-out motherfucker in the room. But what happens when that room turns into the gym? There will always be someone with one more ab muscle than you, and when your eight-pack no longer suffices, your self-confidence will plummet to the very soul of hell. This is when your workout addiction turns to an instagram addiction, trying to find the perfect filter and angle to make your pecks look like god himself suckled from them. When this doesn’t work, you might turn to a shopping addiction, trying to find a shirt that’s just a little tighter or shorts that show just a little more glute. When all else fails, cancel your gym membership and find a gym with less attractive people.

If you have an addiction not mentioned here and you’re unsure if you should commit to it, please leave it in the comments below so I can help you in your pursuit of it.
Remember, guys, there’s always a silver lining and sometimes poor health and life threatening disease aren’t reason enough to put down a great addiction!

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This week’s one-word prompt is “addiction”. 

*Paraphrased on purpose because I’m not wasting my time being verbatim on something that sounds like it should come from a Pokemon.

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6 thoughts on “Killer Mug Sweaters: a breakdown of your addiction

  1. I don’t know where to begin in terms of what I love about this piece, so I’m just going to skip to the end with “… And that’s why this is amazing.”

    Liked by 1 person

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