Negative Role Model


lou-ferrigno-hulk

Sunday morning at the gym. Eminem is screaming in my ear but I’m still not entirely awake. The only people here are young men who look like Leonidas and old women who look like Gandalf. I take a seat at an empty bench after I grab my weights and stare at my reflection. The gym is the only place where it’s socially acceptable to look at yourself. I compare my lacking chest and round tummy and linger on my arms where stretches of muscle are visible. I look myself in the eyes a little too intensely and, honestly, if I wasn’t me I’d probably think I’d want to fuck me. Narcissistic teenage girls don’t look at themselves this long. Finally, I inhale, and up go the weights. After eight reps, the weights come back down and I review my reflection. Getting swole, I think they call it. I’d be swole already but I have a hard time consuming thirty chickens a day and enough rice to make every rice farmer in Japan a billionaire. Only organic, of course.

At the gym, there will always be that one guy who looks like Lou Ferrigno fucked the cast of jersey shore and their combined ejaculation ricocheted off Siegfried and Roy and made a baby. The testosterone levels of a bull shark with the same level of intelligence while sporting a hairstyle that was popular for three years in the ‘80s. People cling to things. Every rep, he has to growl like he’s fending crows off his dead prey. His reason for working out is to look good while he watches himself masturbate in the mirror. He probably cums on his own reflection. But despite all those nasty things I have to say about him, I like this guy. This weird troll of a man who hasn’t quite discovered how to use a fork and knife so he eats sacrificial sheep by the handful. I like him because he has set a clear, definitive line of what is too much. I was born incapable of discerning when I’ve crossed a line, but there it is, as clear as day. Don’t get like that, I tell myself.

I need men like that in my life. Negative role models. I need those more than positive role models. I don’t aspire to be like anybody, but I sure as hell aspire to be not like a lot of people.

Question of the day: who is your negative role model?

– G. Z. Kieft

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8 thoughts on “Negative Role Model

  1. There this guy at my work, who got this girl pregnant, force to married her. And man is this girl a bitch, smokes all through the pregnacy and her parent druk skunks, you can see the guy place himself in this stupid situation all be himself, that negative role model

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  2. It sucks to say but today it’s me. I am very self deprecating. I could blame my parents, or the universe for that quality but I usually just end up saying I’m just kidding myself so I can avoid my potential. Unfortunately today is not one of those days.

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  3. Reblogged this on Underdaddy and commented:

    So this past week I was invited to join a really talented group of six writers at Conceited Crusade. I suspect it was because there are seven days in a week and they needed a day of rest. It is a potpourri of heartfelt stories, pondering, swearing, and eventually an awesome cat picture or two (those will be mine I’m sure). Join the following and put a little variety in your blog life. Once we (they) take over the writing world we are going to require it anyway. – Okay back to your regularly scheduled programming. –

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Nice, reminds me of “My New Haircut” on youtube. Not now chief… I’m in the zone. I check myself out in my bathroom mirror but that is the only one I ever get to see.

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