Sunday morning at the gym. Eminem is screaming in my ear but I’m still not entirely awake. The only people here are young men who look like Leonidas and old women who look like Gandalf. I take a seat at an empty bench after I grab my weights and stare at my reflection. The gym is the only place where it’s socially acceptable to look at yourself. I compare my lacking chest and round tummy and linger on my arms where stretches of muscle are visible. I look myself in the eyes a little too intensely and, honestly, if I wasn’t me I’d probably think I’d want to fuck me. Narcissistic teenage girls don’t look at themselves this long. Finally, I inhale, and up go the weights. After eight reps, the weights come back down and I review my reflection. Getting swole, I think they call it. I’d be swole already but I have a hard time consuming thirty chickens a day and enough rice to make every rice farmer in Japan a billionaire. Only organic, of course.
At the gym, there will always be that one guy who looks like Lou Ferrigno fucked the cast of jersey shore and their combined ejaculation ricocheted off Siegfried and Roy and made a baby. The testosterone levels of a bull shark with the same level of intelligence while sporting a hairstyle that was popular for three years in the ‘80s. People cling to things. Every rep, he has to growl like he’s fending crows off his dead prey. His reason for working out is to look good while he watches himself masturbate in the mirror. He probably cums on his own reflection. But despite all those nasty things I have to say about him, I like this guy. This weird troll of a man who hasn’t quite discovered how to use a fork and knife so he eats sacrificial sheep by the handful. I like him because he has set a clear, definitive line of what is too much. I was born incapable of discerning when I’ve crossed a line, but there it is, as clear as day. Don’t get like that, I tell myself.
I need men like that in my life. Negative role models. I need those more than positive role models. I don’t aspire to be like anybody, but I sure as hell aspire to be not like a lot of people.
Question of the day: who is your negative role model?